Reliving My Assault – Thanks Republicans!

What tears me up most: Ford's testimony, Kavanaugh's, or the Republican senators response to both? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I'm a fucking mess today.

I was assaulted when I was 7. It wasn't sexual assault; it was bullying. But other than the sex aspect, it was much like what Ford described.

So long ago, here's what I remember like it was yesterday …

Neighborhood kids led by one redheaded, 13-year-old devil decided to jump me. About 10 kids attacked me and got me on my belly. They were kicking me and laughing. It was great sport for them.
So angry, so angry and so helpless …

Then that devil, his knees on my back, put his lips to my ear and said, "I'm going to kill your dog."

That dog was my best friend and the only trustworthy source of love in my life.

What more can I add? That's it. I can remember what the devil kid looked like and his curly red hair. I remember his name all these years later, though I'm not going to print it. I remember being pinned on my belly in the grass, unable to escape. I remember the yard it happened in. I remember the laughter.

I'm not sure I told anyone at the time, or if I did, that I was taken seriously. It's always felt like my private burden.

Some months later, my mother started taking me therapy for fighting. Tall and strong for my age, I was a rabid wolf inside, ready to destroy much older kids than me if they started something. At least that's how I remember it. Neighborhood parents were complaining about me.

So was I an agressor? Or was I defending myself, which is how I remember it? No telling. Maybe both.

What came out of therapy, according to my mother, is that I was driven by anger toward my father. Total bullshit. The counselor and my mother were trying to squeeze me into a theory for their own reasons. They didn't listen.

Even today, when pushed just right, my wolf rises up, ready to destroy. You see, for most kids, most people, fights are a kind of game for social dominance. Not me. I've rarely fought since then (and not since my early teens), but when I have, it was with clear, red-hot focus: kill, or die trying.

So where am I today? I'm hateful toward the Republican government for making me relive it all over again and minimizing my experience. How? Doing it to Ford does it to me. Not sure how that works.

I already distrusted the Republican government. Now I trust them even less. There's this feeling … What is it? Oppression. My own government is my oppressor, my devil, now more than ever. I hate them. I want them off my back. I want them dead.

How Do You Ruin Someone's Life?

Two days ago, Lindsey Graham said about the then upcoming Kavanaugh-Ford hearing, "Unless there's something more, no, I'm not gonna ruin Judge Kavanaugh's life over this."

Ruin his life? How would failing a job interview and being pubically shamed "ruin" Kavanaugh's life?

This statement struck me because I've always found the notion of ruining someone's life rather odd. My paternal grandmother said my mother ruined my father's life, I guess by divorcing him and getting me to hate him growing up. An uncle said his son's stalker ex-wife ruined his life, too.

I don't get it. Sure, maybe my mother caused my father a lot of pain and changed his expected course of life. Same with my cousin.

Let's say Kavanaugh and Judge did rape Ford exactly like she says. Did it ruin her life? No! It caused her a great deal of pain and, according to her, a few really rough years. Based on the recorded testimony I saw today, it still hurts her greatly. But it didn't ruin her life by any means. She's a strong, successful woman.

Being divorced by my ex-wife and alienated from my stepkids was fucking awful. The worst thing that's ever happened to me, it still causes me agony. Some days I wish we were still together. But she didn't ruin my life. I have a different life than I hoped for learned some tough lessons. That's it. (And that's plenty.)

Maybe throwing someone in the hole at Guantanamo could qualify as ruining someone's life. Yet, Mandela was in prison for, what, 30 years? He came out to lead a nation. Did the Apartheid government ruin Mandela's life? Nope.

Yes, people are responsible for the pain they cause to others, especially in ways that are illegal or should be. But let's not overblow this. Even hurricanes and cancer don't ruin lives, except for those who die. Death qualifies as "ruined."

If Kavanaugh isn't confirmed, he'll still be a respected attorney with job and income prospects most Americans can never dream of. The worse he can say is this really, really sucks for him and his family. Doubly so if he's innocent.

What Do You Do When You Have Nothing to Do?

I'll tell you! It's as simple as making a list!

Every morning, after breakfast and COFFEE, I sit down at the computer for at least 2 hours to write. Sometimes I get a lot of productive writing done, and sometimes I meander. But I'm always there. At the very least, I fill up my journal with nonsense and make a to-do list for the day.

Now, in that to-do list, I try to hit the big notes: write something, cook something, read something, clean or maintain something, work in the yard, and get some exercise. Of course, anything with a close deadline gets on the list. But otherwise, I keep it simple.

It's not like a person needs to be busy all day. Our hunter-gatherer ancestors averaged 2-5 hours of work a day to do everything necessary. Then they talked and played. With my system, I hit that easily. And then I'm done and satisfied. Easy.

And the rest of the hours? Whatever. The time passes quickly enough. Boredom isn't a problem in my house.

The 8 hour workday PLUS commuting and chores is just a century-old compromise between modern wage slaves and their masters. It's not sane, and it's not healthy.

Aren't I privileged!?